TULSA, OK- Since the release of Pixar’s Finding Dory, the tissue-paper company Kleenex has had a product shortage.

“They’re definitely related,” Parent company Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk said. “We had similar numbers when Inside Out, Toy Story 3, and Up came out.”

When we talked to Pixar’s Chief Creative Officer, John Lasseter, he just shrugged. “That’s what we hope will happen. In all our movies, we try to have a really emotional core. Like, super emotional. We have test audiences cry into buckets, and if they don’t fill the buckets, we scrap the scene and add a death or animal farm and holocaust imagery. If a voice actor doesn’t cry while recording, we also take note. Once, an animator got so emotional while animating, we had to send him home early because he got water in the computer. That was the main computer for Cars 2.”

Kleenex said they are not upset with Pixar. “We love the business,” Falk said. “We can’t complain. This has been the biggest surge in business this year save for the weird shortage on July 4th this year in Oklahoma.”

Pixar’s next movie will be Cars 3, much to Falk’s reported disappointment.

-Madeleine D

 

[Editorial Note: This post is satire, and is thus fake, and exists basically to make you laugh]

HOLLYWOOD, CA- After the recent successes of faith-based movies such as God’s Not Dead and God’s Not Dead 2, along with Heaven is for Real and War Room, Christian film leaders are joining together to create a joint franchise.

“We have to compete in the secular market,” Alex Kendrick, co-director of the 2015 juggernaut, War Room, said in a statement. “We are doing very well box-office wise, but we need to reach a younger audience. We’ve decided to follow the leads of big movie studios like Marvel, Warner Bros, Disney, and Fox to create a cinematic universe.”

“We’re teaming up to create a big crossover event,” Harold Cronk, director of God’s Not Dead and its sequel, said. “It’s going to be called The Evangelists, starring all the main characters of all the Christian movies that have come out within the last decade. They will come together, brought together by Captain Rayford Steele (played again by Left Behind star Nicolas Cage), and take down Hollywood and the satanists who run it. They will burn the entire place to the ground, building a mega-church in its place. It’s more or less Avengers, but with the love of Christ added.”

Kendrick already has ideas for a sequel, too. “For the sequel, we’re thinking a new president, a democrat, or a gay rights activist, tries to take down the church with the U.S Military, but the Evangelists take them down with prayer.”

When asked, Cronk stated that there will continue to be the beloved cameos in The Evangelists. “We might bring back Carrie Underwood, like in Soul Surfer,” he said. “Maybe the Duck Dynasty folks. I’m counting on Trump to be honest.”

Kendrick also confirmed that the theme song will be from The Newsboys, as they are locked in to a contract for the next eight years.

-Madeleine D

 

[Editorial Note: This post is satire, and is thus fake, and exists basically to make you laugh]